August 14th, 2005

Current Music: blink-182 Time: 11:06 pm Current Mood: sad

I miss blink :(

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February 23rd, 2005

Current Music: blink-182 Subject: Worse day in rock. Time: 04:28 pm Current Mood: sad

</3

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January 7th, 2005

Time: 11:35 pm

Cunt

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June 20th, 2004

Time: 11:47 pm

Cunt.

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April 29th, 2004

Time: 05:12 pm

Food is good.

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April 28th, 2004

Time: 06:58 pm

thought i'd make a change. crappy simple layout. nothing fancy for me. cant be fucked to update now. bye. xxx

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April 12th, 2004

Current Music: Sugacult - Every Beautiful Day Time: 11:15 am

I wish it was raining, Cos I hate every beautiful day.

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February 16th, 2004

Subject: Friends Only Time: 01:59 pm

By the way my journal is now friends only and has been for the last 5-6 entries.

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February 10th, 2004

Current Music: blink-182 - Not Now Subject: FUCKING TOMORROW! Time: 06:06 pm Current Mood: drained

ahh yes! i see the sexy beasts themselves AGAIN tomorrow.! i cant wait... again. i really want rob to come. damn his fucking mother. shes fit though. if you're blind i feel "organised" as such cos i got in changed straight away, looked at my homework, cleared my desk by my computer (which if uve been to mine is NEVER clear), and did my homework! then if that wasnt enough i packed my bags for tomorrow and got stuff completely perfect and organised. then had a wank. yay! i have the worst throat in the world. it feels like i have something in my chest that really needs to come up but it just wont ! no matter how hard i try! and its making it harder to breathe (like that song). i dont wanna be ill for the concert tomrorw. and im sneezing a lot more too. ahhh shit. i hate being ill. me and soph are going really well. we had a chat last night bout how we're going and relationships etc. i just told her how i felt. how i cant deal with a relationship just yet, and i'd like to take some time to get to know her and shit like that then take it from there. i really like her. but im still in love with nat. i want her back. but im never going to be with her again. mainly because i couldnt get back with her, but also because she wouldnt get back with me. i still see her and want to just do the things we used to. but i cant. and i never will be able to. its fucking me up!! i think having to see her every day is the worst. if i didnt go to school with her for so long i think i wouldnt be so used to going up to her and wanting to kiss her etc. i would be able to get on. but i cant. i feel.. not depressed. i just feel drained and uggh. just shitty, worn out, tired, frustrated, used and just plain sick of it all. except my friends. except bex, rob and soph. they really are my best mates. i love bex because she knows me like the back of her hand. she knows why i act the way i do and slaps me when i act like it. only if its bad and if i need a slap. she knows me so well. i love rob because hes just the funniest person. he could make me smile and laugh if my whole life was over. hes amazing. and hes getting to know and understand me about all these things especially from reading my journal. and lately ive felt closer to him.. more than just a band-mate. a best mate. and i love soph cos shes awesome, gorgeous and she loves me! lol. someone loves me!! i love it when someone loves me. just because i know i can be myself around them and others because they give me the confidence to do so. i think the reason i havnt been myself lately is because i lack that someone. before nat i was like the way i am now. just "quieter". then i found nat and i became the confident, happy, friendly chatty pat. and i miss that pat. i think sophie is slowly helping me find that pat again. just by loving me. and accpeting me. and i cant wait til i find myself again... with her. the way we were holding hands, cuddling and kissing and stuff made me so happy! made me feel "with" someone again. well. i must go make some tea for my throat then play some guitar, listen to blink then eat. then sleep. early night for blink-182 TOMORROW!!

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February 2nd, 2004

Current Music: blink-182 - Feeling This Subject: 4 Days Time: 05:28 pm Current Mood: calm

mm. just got back from weight training at skl! s'all good. worked hard and shit. then rose came in.... had to go to hide my erection as she was fucking bending over and "flexing" all over the place. ahh... she would have it! lol day was alright. nothing special happened. i realised today that i like being on my own in school. like i dont wait for ppl to come out of lessons with me and stuff i just like to walk off on my own and have my lil thoughts after lessons and stuff. then ppl come up in my face like "errr are you ok are you ok????" and its like fuck off.. im on my own here because i want to be not cos i want someone like u coming up and raping me. but then i like it if some ppl cokme up to me :D. quite confusing arent i? so yeah nothing particular happened today - found it hard to get up this morning tho. harder than usual. i cant type much more cos im aching from weights room so goodnight! blink-182 in 4 days!

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January 19th, 2004

Subject: what a fucking night Time: 01:35 pm

shit. bad night. nat "accidentally" prank called me saying i was next on her call list to steve. but doesnt it take some time to connect the call?? so she wud have realised and hung up?! i dont know. thats where it started i txted her and txted her, and i was tired and very depressed. and she just didnt seem to want to talk. and she didnt seem to care. i know it seemed like i didnt. now i know how it felt. shit. and she just seemed so vague.. even more distant. and every txt i felt worse and worse. it just got worse. til the point where i just gave up. i cant cut myself... ive tried but it doesnt work for me like it does for others. so i went for the next option - beating myself up. i know it sounds stupid but i was so annoyed with myself, depressed, cold, awake and fucking angry. so i just took my head and smashed it against the desk, bedframe, wall anything i cud. to try and get the shit and hurting out of me. it didnt hurt though. i wanted it to hurt. and i dont know why it didnt. and then i just finished in tears and in a fucking asthma attack...... and continued to txt her. it ust got worse and worse. and i was getting to the point where i'd had enough. i didnt want to live it anymore. its was pointless. i just feel everyone wud be better off without me. look at all the hurt ive caused all these people. its stupid. i was just looking for some love at this point. and it was about 1:30am so i just txted nuala telling her how i felt. she rang me straight away.. and i knew i had woken her, but it just showed me she really cared because the amount of times shes called me since she left has been so much shes getting completely bollocked for it and said she cudnt call me anymore. and she was risking her shit for me. and i felt.. happy. just to hear her voice. and we just talked for a bit. and i felt better. but all the while i was on the fone bex was txting me getting worried. it was all fucked up. i miss nuala too much. she doesnt know what shes going to do when she leaves skl cos she cant leave her mum etc. which i fully understnad. but she makes me feel.. just good. and happy. and the time between nuala and nat was the worse time of my life. so heavily depressed. and when she talks to me, txts me, it just reminds me of my happiness before all that shit. before she left. before she killed me. but now nat and i have finished its like ive gone back to that depression... times 100. i felt ive dived. now its way too late to do anything.... unless bex or nuala are there. they bring me back. they "slap" me back to reality in a way. nat doesnt, she reminds me of my depression with her depression and self-hate. sophie doesnt - we're jjust not close enough. greg. HA! fucking got engaged and forgot about eevrything. those were the people ive felt close too. greg was the first i told him everything. before him i didnt have a thing... pretty shitty but i was too young to realise depreession.. so i'd walk around in skimpy, pop-up joggers and bright green second-hand Diadora t-shirts playing on garages. that was great fun. then he came along. and then he went. i lost him. and becuase i lost him to a girl, i wanted to be with one too. so there came nat. fell in love... didnt get the love back... blah blah. same old. bex has always been there.. she was since yr 7. sat in the grass.. running from boys (ok they were chasing after her but who said i couldnt DREAM?).. we got away from them all ... teachers all the fuckers. and we sat in the grass. that was the best. warm night.. fireflys... fresh grass... big moon.. and bats in convertables. dont ask.. but thats the best. thats what brought us together. and thats the thing that will keep us togther. i swear.. without that bat. fuck knows where i'd be. but i cant remember much about becky and relationship after that tho. then came nuala. and then went nuala. we both understood each other. which is why when we met up at christmas i enjoyed her company so much. because she could understand me and more importantly i could understand her.. and she had trust and confidence and confided in me. unlike nat. and i felt so worthless when nat told me i didnt understand her, when she cudnt feel she cud talk to me. cos i was always tryin to be there. then i just snapped and gave up. gave in. and dived back in. nuala could take a compliment. now i miss her. i miss everything about her. soo much. too much. damn feelings. I like your pants around your feet. And i like the dirt thats on your knees. I like the way you still say please, while your looking up at me. Your like my favourite damn disease. fucking hell.... wahay blink in a few weeks. cant wait new single out: I Miss You - fucking different track.. something not to be expected from them. . stil a dam good track. Don't waste your time on me, You're already the voice inside my head. I MISS YOU. MISS YOU. ahh life. one thing i'd like to say goodbye too. but it might miss me. and it'd be the easy way out.

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January 16th, 2004

Current Music: Gary Jules - Mad World (and i dont know why) Time: 06:08 pm Current Mood: weird

hmm... strange day. nat was being weird with me. like her fake lil smile she puts on when shes upset. i spoke to her. she txted me last night and it just said she felt lonely and that she had no-one etc. and i just wanted to be there for her. but i didnt want the relationship. i wanted to tell her it was ok and that i was there. i miss her. but i cant have a relationship with her. bex said last nite: "how the fuck did u to get togehter? youre too different people.. ok i understand the whole opposites attract but fuck me, not that opposite" and i thought yeah thats true. how did we get together?! and now i see that at the time i needed anyone to get over nuala. and anyone to love me and for me to love them. i also wanted to get laid. but i ended up falling head over heels in love and not geting much back.. then i gave up and as i gave up she started trying: too lil to late. thats wat i think.. grr. so yeah. so i tried talking to her in skl.. and i told her thanks for the txt and she just went oh yeah sorry for txting u.. hmm ok. then i just told her i was still here and - got interupted with her saying: "no your not" and i just said to her thats one of the reasons i cudnt be with her cos any compliment i ever paid her was thrown back in my face. i just hope she got something out of the relationship... liked learned something and hopefully treats the next guy better. i dont know what im trying to say... grrr. grr. tthat word. aaaanyway...sophies coming round on sunday. but i wanna go to hers. she has a goat, and chickens that sleep with her *JEALOUSY OF THe CHICKENS!!* mainly cos she cant get here cos she lives in the middle of no-where with rabbits and people that throw yellow boxes at you cos ur in the wild. i dunno. something remote like remote controls. hmmumpf Please dont forget, who you really are. 'Cos nothing really matters when we're gone.. NOTHING REALLY MATTERS!

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January 15th, 2004

Current Music: The Ataris - I Won't Spend Another Night Alone Subject: ok, ok. got the words wrong here goes again.... Time: 09:01 pm Current Mood: naughty

If I died tomorrow, Would this song live on forever? And here is my, Unopened letter to a world that never shall reply

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Time: 08:59 pm

If I died tomorrow, Would this song live on forever? And here is my, Unopened to a world that never shall reply

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Time: 08:56 pm

I'm eating Pringles, Spanish Salsa and I'm feeling fatter and fatter. I really feel fat. I need to like tone up, lose weight or some shit! Arrrgh! I wanna go to like America and be comfortable with my body, actually i wanna go anywhere and be comfortable with myself. Mind u, I'll be teased for being scrawny in America - fat bastards.

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Subject: weeeee Time: 08:55 pm

Look at me fly!!!

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Subject: yay Time: 06:00 pm

just took a shit. i feel refreshed! me and sophie are getting on well still :) i still really like her :S grr.... its still hard though people have been giving soph a hard time and shit but apparently theyre not saying anything to me or dogging me up but shes getting all of it and i just feel harsh. i dont wanna like have a go at ppl (cos thats what im usually like, u know what im like - too 4ward and shit) cos i can kinda see where theyre coming from but it just pisses me off, and it took both of us, not just soph... grrrr. thats how i feel GRRRR anyways. grrrr cant get the grrrrr'ness outta me. i love bex. i seriously need to hump her. i just have too.... its gonna be another one of my missions in life! 1. Hump Bex 2. Hump a camel 3. Hump a man 4. Record a Cd 5. Run naked in as many different countries as possible 6. Hump Bex (YES! AGAIN! SHE WAS DAM GOOD THE FIRST TIME) 7. Rule the world and change everyone to remote controls. why not?

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January 12th, 2004

Subject: Just a lil chat Time: 08:48 pm

i feel really warm. my day has got a bit better. sophie's came online and we're chatting and makes me happy! :D the only thing is. i dont know if i want to fall in love again. i know im going to. im going to get hurt again i know. amd i thought i'd learnt from nat, all the times i think i shud have ended a long time ago in the relationship just so i could stop the way im feeling now. but it feels so right and i feel really happy with sophie. but then i remember feeling like this with nat at the start of that relationship and look how it ended up!! i dont know what to do. i know im gonna end up falling in love with her. thats what i always do, any girl that likes me i have to like, use that. and then i fall in love! argh. im listening tto blink (what a suprise) and their saddest slowest song just came on, where tom is soooooooo cute in! omg. hes the only bloke i would make love to! :P ahh fuck it. finally my computer is fucking up on me too much. yay! i need to update it somehow. do you care? no, didnt think so. well anyways, im in serious need of an early night! to face skl once again. hoo-fuckin-ray!!

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Subject: grrr Time: 05:45 pm

dont ever get live journal. i just typed a fucking essay about my day and my browser decided to fuck up on me just to annoy me! haha what a prick. yeah as im typing my browser just waiting til i click "Update Journal" to fuck up! haha! come on!!! so if ur reading this, it hasnt fucked up and ive won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!

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January 11th, 2004

Subject: oh god Time: 10:49 pm

i saw nat today in town. after coming back from jolenes for the night. me and sophie had a talk about "us" and if there is any. and she basically told me nothing was gonna come of this. i dont know if she meant of last night or of us ever. nothing happened between us. after seeing nat, ive realised i should calm down, and leave it to all blow over and for nat to find her feet. i felt bad seeing her, having her want me so badly. i just felt like it was too late, but she was really irresistable. and i really wanted to take her back.. but i knew i couldnt. but now i feel like ive kinda led her on a bit, and thats definitly not what i wanted her to do. i want her to get over me. forget about me. everyone else does. i dont know why she wants me, loves me, misses me. i dont know why anyone does. theyre blind, deaf and dumb if they do. i just dont see how.... oh fuck it. blah blah blah. BECKY GET UR ASS BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i miss you oh yeah, meh, been txting nuala :S

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